Sigh. I think I’m just tired from the trip.

I’m feeling so.. lethargic & down.. not emotional about relationships stuffs thank goodness.. But just don’t have the energy for my career plans.

Maybe I’ve been pushing myself way too hard. But life is so short, I don’t want to waste it away just like that.

I’ve been trying to coax myself to work on the coding, or at least the designing for the last hour but I have yet to move a single bit.

Not to mention I haven’t touched my books in ages.. Pfft.

Disappointed in myself. Need to find that energy again.

Maybe after I wake up tomorrow =)

Well at least I took plenty of nice pictures from the trip and learnt a great deal of my camera..

I just need my car. to complete that dream.

Every single day I have dreamt of that.

5 more years to go….

i’ve moved to ijassica.wordpress.com

i think?

=)

So today, I decided enough was enough.

I mean last time, I really like to play games.. With people I like and people who like me… because i was really bored i guess…

but like after the whole alan thing and the whole polygamy shit where i was really, not say disgusted… but i was just wondering how did i become like this…where i was sleeping with more than one guy a day.. it wasn’t one night stands but it wasn’t proper anyway…

and all these bullshit really made me hate games…

i dont like games… i never did…

if i like you, i would tell you… and i would show you…

and if i don’t, i will tell you too.. or at least not so directly.. but i wouldn’t lead you on… most of the time anyway…

so i told him that i’m tired of these games that we play…

i don’t know what are we and i don’t know where we stand…

like he is married, but separated with his wife… just broke up with gf.. seeing a bunch of other girls or so he shows… and yet he is practically almost sleeping with me…

i don’t know what’s up with that really…

i mean what are we?

fb?

going to his house while his wife was away…dramatically does that make me one of the third parties…

i really really hate it…

and he makes me feeling like there’s something so terribly wrong with me that makes him stay away from me… that he doesn’t even want to come near me…

and yet when he did, we end up almost close to sex…

so really what is this…

he said he’s pretty much a loner… that he’s afraid of being close to people.. of being hurt and of hurting others… etc etc…

i guess?

sigh….. why am i so into emotional wreckages?

i do realise a lot of people read this blog.. i mean i used to think i’m only talking to myself.. but i realised a whole lot of people read this…

and i do wonder whether i’m gonna be bitched and judged about what i’ve done…

but hmmmm… as i told everybody i meet… i have nothing to hide really…

we are what we are…

Recently, I got to know this friend.

And I’m seriously amazed and impressed by how strong he is. His ability to motivate himself when shit happens and just…

i mean if it was me, and it had happened to me, i would have crumbled…

so really… seeing him, becoming more assured each day is a strong motivation for me as well…

i feel more and more comfortable with the distance between me and elvin as well so i guess that’s a good thing right?

i only hope i can have more faith in myself as time goes by…

It’s odd how time and again, he was the one who cheered me up… through my major heartaches and pain, he was the one surprisingly…

or rather apt actually…

when i first broke up with alan… i still remembered… i mean both of us were in the room, we just quarrelled… i was feel like…

yeah, we lived on the 21st floor… the window was just next to me

that sort of morbid thought.. and i was on msn… and he spent like a few hours talking to me, going through the whole thing… it’s just incredibly sweet and nice of him…

and now, when i’m feeling sad and saying hi to him on msn… if he isn’t really busy, he will definitely talk to me and everything just seems better already…

of cos i don’t like him like i used to have a crush on him… but i’m just glad to have such a good friend…

i think it’s just amazing that someone so good in terms of everything in his life can be so incredibly sweet and down-to-earth…

meet ernie today =) it’s been a long time man and really really great to hang out once again… just gives me those warm fuzzy feeling…

you know sometimes we immersed ourselves so deeply in situations that we fail to realise what we are fighting for and why we are so sad in the first place…

i try to remind myself to take a step back but sometimes you just simply forget…

i guess it’s a lack of belief in my self-worth… the feelings of inferiority.. that prevents me from getting over my hurt from him…

we are both in the same situation really… almost anyway… just that he is stronger, he is more egoistic and hence higher chance of survival…

i on the other hand, feels more, hurt more and hence wallow in self-pity more…

i have so many questions that i didn’t ask him… even when he offered them to me.. because i didn’t want him to feel like i’m probing.. although he don’t mind sharing with me for what reason i do not know… he doesn’t share with other ppl much… or at least that’s my impression…

i wanna know what is so bad about him that his wife didn’t want to be with him…

i wanna know how could he talk about faithfulness when he is sleeping around…

i wanna know how he could do the things he do with me and yet ignores me the next minute…

i wanna know why i’m not good enough and if i did become good enough does it even matter…

i have so many questions and so little answers…

i wanna know why i’m so attracted to him…

i have never ever been like this before… it’s different from if you see a cute guy on the streets and you drool… that is that… that’s it….

but this… it’s like an obssession… from the first moment i saw him… the first night last april… where he spoke like 5 sentences to me at all… and i fell in love… or lust.. but whatever rocks the boat…

it lasted till now.. it lasted when he’s married… it lasted when he’s separated.. it lasted when he has other gfs.. it lasted when he no longer has a gf…

it lasted when i don’t see him…

i don’t understnd this attraction to him…

how could i ever get rid of it…

Motivation’s in life are a direct result of self-fulfillment, inferiority, or jealousy? I feel motivated because of others adequacies or inadequacies. I must admit that I love to compare myself with others and if I come up short, I’ll be double-motivated…

Is that wrong?

Honestly, I had the thought, irrational or otherwise that if I was slimmer, prettier, smarter, etc. Elvin would like me more… He could even love me…

Is that wrong?

I’ve no idea. I’ve made myself miserable trying to fit into his mold.

I’ve revolved my whole life around that one guy and I’m tired.

How does one let go then?

By understanding the extent of the universe she lives in, but understanding reality is often the opposite of one’s wishes?

After he left, it was as if I’ve forgotten how to breathe.

I didn’t realise how long I haven’t been happy since the day he left…

Elvin is right… it has surely changed me…

what he did… it has definitely changed me…

i wish i could be as happy as I was before then…

less guarded, less wary… enjoying what life has given rather than counting the minutes until my death…

but i don’t know how to step away from this…

i don’t dare to…

i’m even afraid of my own shadows now….

what could i do…

wad can i say man… im so entertained when my frens r around..

like i don feel sad about him much when they r with me… i dont feel that lonely anymoe… hmmmm

i ammmm so broke.. but hopefully money’s coming…

i wish he would ask me out tmr but i hardly doubt so given he only met me last wk… he likes to go out once every few mths… tsk

woo today was fun!

went tennis with eric and his friend…

but i smoked 3 sticks.. argh…

that’s why your friends shouldn’t smoke hahah…

and then his friend drove me home… tada.. end of story

ok straighten hair and sleep

ciao!

really really don wanna go back to the past…

those days were terrible and i never ever wanna live it again…

it’s just that i miss those hugs and kisses so badly…

everyday i appear as if i don’t need any of those…

but in truth, i could only wish…

i’m too tired to want to feel anymore but i do…

he is just like me..

exactly alike.. we are both afraid to be hurt again…

but then, he is much more at ease with being emotionless… while i don’t mind going through the fire again with him…

if only i could stop…

to remember the agony of the past…

then i would stop hankering over all these things…